Trust or the lack there of

// October 20th, 2009 // Life

For whatever reason writing a blog post about trust is really difficult for me. I’m not sure why, since I don’t seem to have any problem writing blog comments about trust (You are all very welcome). Maybe it is because I don’t have a story to tell. Maybe it is because I don’t want to say something cliché.

But maybe it is because I just really don’t have people I trust. I trust God. I trust him enough to leave my job and head to the Dominican (is that really trust if it was a good trade for me?). I think I trust and love him more every day. I feel like every day he is poking and prodding my boundaries. “Would you do this for me?” he asks. “How about that?” Every day he seems to stretch my boundaries to the point where I’m really not sure where they are anymore. I’ve felt since Sunday that he advanced me from the pre-school to the PHD program of how much do you love me and what are you willing to do to serve me. It has been awesome in a he hasn’t made me do any of them yet but the next move could be crazier kind of way.

But back to people. There is a certain level of trust I have. I may or may not share more on this blog in public than some people share with good friends, but those are usually the things I’ve already dealt with, accepted or confessed. So we may be going into unchartered territory. There is a certain level of depth I let people get to… but ask me who my best friend is? ask me who I let speak into my life and criticize me? who my mentor is? who knows my deepest fears and darkest secrets? I don’t really have good answers for any of those questions. There is fear there. There are walls built up. Part of it is having reached out for those role models and mentors and being left grasping only air. Part of it is pride. Part of it is just always having felt different, like the things I believed in and were most important to me just weren’t the same as those around me. I think I always felt as out of place as a captain of the football team can, and maybe more so because of that. Because there were always things you were supposed to be and they just weren’t me. Not that I didn’t fake it at times. There was always something about the world, something about everything everyone told me mattered that rang hollow at the core of my soul.

I think at some point I just started doubting people. I just assumed they aren’t on the same wavelength as me. Everything become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Those crucial relationships never developed. When I reached out, it never seemed to work out. Maybe I was too normal. Maybe my cries weren’t loud enough. I never merited the attention, grace or love because what did I have to complain about? Everything looked cool on paper. I’m sure when people did reach out, I wasn’t the easiest nut to crack.

I love being able to support people as they step out in faith. I give them what I so desperately crave, not just the money they need to pursue their vision but the symbolic I’m in this with you. I believe in you. But as I stepped out in faith I didn’t find that. I found lots of words of support, but not a lot of action (to the growing number of people who are supporting me and our kids, thank you! you are amazing and beautiful!). But if you look at those who have chosen to take action, it was rarely those closest to me. It seemed those who heard the story were more passionate to help than those that actually know me well. If you look at who comments on this blog, you will find lots of amazing people, but you will rarely find friends or family that have met me in person. I don’t have a good explanation for that, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me.

So as one amazing young lady tries to burrow her way deeper and deeper into my life, I find myself doubting. Could anybody really be up for what God may have in store for my life? I find myself scared to do anything that might me put me in a position to hesitate when God calls. Where? I don’t know. I find myself scared to let people into my story, to trust them with my vision. I don’t want to compromise, but in the end it is God’s vision and not mine that matters anyway. I know it is only in community that we really grow. Our stories are meant to be lived together, but….

Now, what is community and how do we find it? Well, that is a post for another day.

To read more about Trust, check out the blog carnival at One Word at a Time.

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13 Responses to “Trust or the lack there of”

  1. AnneLangBundy says:
    October 21, 2009 at 4:03 am

    I know it is only in community that we really grow …

    God made us to belong to one another. Despite the fear, the pride, the walls … we need one another.

    Thanks for joining the carnival, Chris.

    Reply
  2. Randommusings says:
    October 21, 2009 at 4:08 am

    I'm sorry it has been so hard for you to find a mentor.

    I remember when I first started teaching, I wanted advice from people who taught for years, but they seemed to feel themselves in competition with me. I didn't find a mentor my first few years of teaching, but my memories affected the way I welcomed new teachers. I really tried to reach out to them. When I found myself taking a couple of graduate courses (graduate school didn't pan out, because my mom got sick soon after…), I found my mentor then in a younger teacher I once mentored.

    I know. That really doesn't help you at all right now. I guess that I am suggesting that your experience is shaping you into the sort of mentor you are / will be, and that you may find yourself being mentored in return from an unexpected source.

    Reply
  3. Bridget says:
    October 21, 2009 at 4:22 am

    I am choked up now… I have to say this was definitely worth the wait!

    You are in such a difficult situation, with an unknown future… you are the definition of Trust, Chris!

    Thanks for posting!

    Reply
    • chrissulli says:
      October 21, 2009 at 6:20 pm

      Thanks Bridget. I actually don't think I'm difficult situation as far as like or job. I think I am missing a critical component but I think I'm right where God wants me and I'm excited to see where he takes me next.

      Reply
  4. Glynn says:
    October 21, 2009 at 10:56 am

    We're meant for relationship Chris — we're designed that way. After I became a Christian, for a long time I felt like I was fending for myself. No mentor, no counselor, no advisor. And I floundered for a long time. But I had a loving Christian wife, and we usually managed to find good churches that provided "structure" and soild teaching (sometimes that took a while, though). But it was often hard.

    Reply
  5. Nick the Geek says:
    October 21, 2009 at 11:55 am

    Late to the game, but it happens that I have more time to read. I had to read this a few times because different parts kept speaking to me and I forgot what the rest said. I feel very much the same in many ways. How often I sat at the altar pouring my heart out all alone wondering why no one else saw me. I can think of times where people came up to pray for those all around me but I was completely overlooked.

    Other times I have been in the place to make impossible decisions but not able to reach anyone who could offer advice … so I went forward all alone in the decision.

    This seems to be the story of my life, going it alone. Still I have used this as encouragement that I should look for the one trying to go it alone, either by their own choice or for being overlooked some how and to come alongside them. Every service I carefully watch the altars and if a guy is up there alone I go and if it is a girl I send my wife or some of the female students. That is one of the hardest places to be all alone.

    Reply
  6. Steph Shieh says:
    October 21, 2009 at 2:43 pm

    Hi Sully,

    I'm in this with you.
    I believe in you.

    For real, I've been following your posts and have been astounded at how God is working in your life. I'm encouraged by you, your obedience and passion and I love the adventure you are on!
    :)

    Love,
    Steph

    Reply
  7. Candy says:
    October 21, 2009 at 4:29 pm

    Perhaps people (read: burrowing young lady) are drawn to you *because* of your story and *because* of your obedience to what God is calling you to do. As the mom to boys probably close to your age, I so appreciate your courage to wear your heart on your sleeve, listen to God's call, and boldly go where He has led you. Would love to hear about your defining moment when you were "not the easiest nut to crack."

    And yes, you made me cry. That's why it took me 12 hours to reply.

    Reply
  8. Ginny (MAD21) says:
    October 21, 2009 at 6:17 pm

    Oh, my goodness. See?? I told you you had something to say. This is amazing, Chris! I have had similar experiences in trust when it comes to who supports you when you do things. I don't know why it seems to be easier to find help from strangers than it is to get it from those who say they love you. Community is definitely important, it's God-designed, though it's hard for those of us with big trust issues. As I said in my post on this topic, I'm learning that trust is not really something that we have or not, but something that grows. But we must be willing to take the first step.

    Seriously. This is great. Do it more often. K?

    Reply

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