Silence
// January 14th, 2010 // Uncategorized
My whole life there has always been a logical next step. As a high school senior, Ivy League football was a logical next step, an opportunity to get a great education and keep playing football. As a college senior, investment banking was a logical next step, an opportunity to get paid a lot of money and learn a lot, and it was a tremendous stepping stone to just about anything I could possibly want to do next.
Then I deviated from the path, but that step too was clear to me. I knew I didn’t want to be doing what I was doing and I had a pretty clear vision for what I would like to do. Then one day that exact thing I had envisioned just fell in my lap. Jackpot.
But in deviating from the path I was on, life got more complicated. I added a lot of variables and a lot more choices. The path was simple. After investment banking comes private equity and business school. That takes care of the next 4 or 5 years, at least from a big picture perspective, and I would have just needed to figure out the details.
For the last 25 years of my life, the decisions were always clear. They were planned and made in well in advance. But now things are pretty murky. I could just about anything and there in lies the problem. I don’t have one driving talent or passion. I’m a little too well rounded.
And where I heard the call and had a clear vision before my last decision, now I hear only silence. My heart isn’t crying out or maybe it has just been drowned out by small dreams and my self-imposed limitations on what is possible.
And I can’t help but feel that what I should be doing is drawing closer to God rather than worrying about a job. Seeking him instead of seeking his advice for my next move. But the realities and insecurities of life squeeze tightly and even amidst all the free time and questions, I feel strangely distant when I should be drawing close.
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I think God just wants you to rest a bit after your work. When He thinks you have rested enough, He will give you a new assignment. And remember….He KNOWS if you have rested or not.
Believe me when I say you are not alone. I went to film school… then decided to be a writer, and here I am working for a missions organization doing web stuff. Wait, what?
I don't think everyone has that ONE driving passion. Some people do. My sister-in-law has always wanted to be a Neo-natal Nurse. It's specific. I've wanted to be everything from a scientist to a cartoonist, from film director to FBI agent and gymnast.
I'm not sure how it happened that I landed the job I did, but I really enjoy where I am right now. I'm in a job that affords me funds so that when I'm not working, I can write and draw my comic strip. It's a lot of fun.
God is still good, even when He's silent.
Thanks Helen. Haha, I feel so rested though! My restlessness is tempered by a desire not to settle, but the question seems to be, "What are you seeking harder, Me or a job?"
No doubt about that last part Brian. Thanks for your encouragement.
Chris–this was such a beautiful post and I can COMPLETELY relate to what you're feeling. I don't have ONE passion. I am not sure WHAT I want to do. I could do a lot of things. I really feel like you entered into my brain for this post and just wrote exactly what I was feeling too. There are a lot of seemingly logical paths I could continue on based on my college and career history, but will that really fulfill me? I've tried to remain true to myself for the past couple years and follow where my heart and God leads me. But, I'm not sure where to go now? I should be resting in Him and knowing He will take care of me. But, I still find myself feeling anxious inside. I will keep you in my prayers.
Chris,
When I saw that you wrote I was very excited to read. I know we talked about your blogs last Tuesday at church. Sometimes its hard to sit and be patient. For example, I applied to PA school the very first week of July 2009. I didn't hear any news for months. I prayed and prayed to God everyday please let something come in the mail. I obsessively checked the mail..EVERY DAY. Mail started coming and more opportunities fell in my lap. I applied to 12 schools..and I am still waiting to hear from 5 of them. Almost half. It has been a long road but He will put you on the right path. Keep praying and give your worries to him. He will let you know when its the appropriate time to seek for a job.
Ya, I've been pretty bad about posting lately.
Thanks for the encouragement.
I agree that you are quite possibly a little too well rounded
because when I think about what you can do from here, the possibilities seem almost endless. But, I think this is the time in our life where we can pursue a lot of varied callings, which is awesome. The hard part is discerning what it is that God wants you to pursue and not letting your own desires cloud that. At least for me, that's my problem. I think that for the first time I actually waited on God's timing when I took the I Matter Too job rather than trying to force my timing. It was definitely hard and tested my trust in Him but it was worth it!
You owe me a job. I'd like it now please.
In His silence we learn to wait and hope and grow. You are the perfect example of how our dreams and goals often take different directions as we become who He wants us to be. You're simply at that fork in the road. Breathe, think, pray. God will guide you, but for now, embrace His silence. It speaks loudly sometimes.
Thanks Candy.