More Than Fine…

Learning to Love and Be Loved

// November 25th, 2009 // 9174 Comments »http://www.chrissulli.com/learning-to-love-and-be-loved/Learning+to+Love+and+Be+Loved2009-11-25+22%3A09%3A23chrissulli // Uncategorized

Sometimes we see things we don’t understand. Sometimes the way we have always reacted to something suddenly seems wrong. Sometimes we grow, change and come to know God more, and that is a good thing.

Last week I visited an orphanage for children with disabilities. As I walked in, I asked God to open my heart to the kids there. I think most of our natural reaction (I know mine has always been) in those kinds of situations is to feel blessed. That day something just felt wrong about feeling humbled and blessed and in the back of my mind saying “I’m glad that isn’t me.” Because on some level, that is what we are really saying isn’t it? I’m not saying there is something wrong with being humbled and appreciating all the blessings God has given us, but I think if it stops there, we have a serious problem.

In order to love these kids, I couldn’t make myself feel better than them. I’m not better. I’m just different. Those kids are just how God made them and so are you. He just made us to serve him differently on this Earth, but in the end, for the same purpose, to know him. Something just felt right about loving these kids and wrong about feeling sorry for them.

Do I understand why God made those kids that way? Nope, but there are lots of things I don’t understand. As I talked with God and hung out with the kids, He told me He loved them and if He loved them, I shouldn’t feel sorry for them but love them as He loves them.

In the end, I think God was telling me He loves me. Just the way I am he loves me. With all my faults and failures he loves me. Not because of anything I have done. Not because of any talents or abilities I have. He gave me all of those anyway. He loves me just as He loves those kids because he formed us for his purposes and knew us before we were born.

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Beach

// November 15th, 2009 // 9047 Comments »http://www.chrissulli.com/beach/Beach2009-11-15+16%3A55%3A23chrissulli // Uncategorized

One of the exciting developments since I last wrote has been access to a car on the weekends. One of the things access to a car on the weekends means is… beach!

No that isn’t a postcard.

Yes she is very cute and no I’m not going to give you guys the opportunity to see my awful tan lines.

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Howdy

// November 13th, 2009 // 8938 Comments »http://www.chrissulli.com/howdy/Howdy2009-11-13+20%3A47%3A39chrissulli // Uncategorized

No, I don’t have a good excuse for why I haven’t posted in a bazillion years and I wish I had some exciting and insightful things to tell you guys about, but nothing is coming to mind. I’m not sure if I haven’t been feeling inspired or if I’ve just been lazy, but I figured if I put something up it might get me back in the habit. So here I am. I’m alive. How are you?

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Paper or Plastic?

// October 22nd, 2009 // 89224 Comments »http://www.chrissulli.com/paper-or-plastic/Paper+or+Plastic%3F2009-10-22+11%3A21%3A27chrissulli // Uncategorized

A question for all my fellow bloggers:

Do you write your posts on the computer or on paper and then type them up?

For me, there is just something about pen and paper that sets my soul a little freer than a keyboard. Maybe it is the removal of distractions, but somehow it just feels right. However, I don’t really have a method. Some of my more honest posts have come via the keyboard.

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Trust or the lack there of

// October 20th, 2009 // 88913 Comments »http://www.chrissulli.com/trust-or-the-lack-there-of/Trust+or+the+lack+there+of2009-10-21+03%3A50%3A48chrissulli // Life

For whatever reason writing a blog post about trust is really difficult for me. I’m not sure why, since I don’t seem to have any problem writing blog comments about trust (You are all very welcome). Maybe it is because I don’t have a story to tell. Maybe it is because I don’t want to say something cliché.

But maybe it is because I just really don’t have people I trust. I trust God. I trust him enough to leave my job and head to the Dominican (is that really trust if it was a good trade for me?). I think I trust and love him more every day. I feel like every day he is poking and prodding my boundaries. “Would you do this for me?” he asks. “How about that?” Every day he seems to stretch my boundaries to the point where I’m really not sure where they are anymore. I’ve felt since Sunday that he advanced me from the pre-school to the PHD program of how much do you love me and what are you willing to do to serve me. It has been awesome in a he hasn’t made me do any of them yet but the next move could be crazier kind of way.

But back to people. There is a certain level of trust I have. I may or may not share more on this blog in public than some people share with good friends, but those are usually the things I’ve already dealt with, accepted or confessed. So we may be going into unchartered territory. There is a certain level of depth I let people get to… but ask me who my best friend is? ask me who I let speak into my life and criticize me? who my mentor is? who knows my deepest fears and darkest secrets? I don’t really have good answers for any of those questions. There is fear there. There are walls built up. Part of it is having reached out for those role models and mentors and being left grasping only air. Part of it is pride. Part of it is just always having felt different, like the things I believed in and were most important to me just weren’t the same as those around me. I think I always felt as out of place as a captain of the football team can, and maybe more so because of that. Because there were always things you were supposed to be and they just weren’t me. Not that I didn’t fake it at times. There was always something about the world, something about everything everyone told me mattered that rang hollow at the core of my soul.

I think at some point I just started doubting people. I just assumed they aren’t on the same wavelength as me. Everything become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Those crucial relationships never developed. When I reached out, it never seemed to work out. Maybe I was too normal. Maybe my cries weren’t loud enough. I never merited the attention, grace or love because what did I have to complain about? Everything looked cool on paper. I’m sure when people did reach out, I wasn’t the easiest nut to crack.

I love being able to support people as they step out in faith. I give them what I so desperately crave, not just the money they need to pursue their vision but the symbolic I’m in this with you. I believe in you. But as I stepped out in faith I didn’t find that. I found lots of words of support, but not a lot of action (to the growing number of people who are supporting me and our kids, thank you! you are amazing and beautiful!). But if you look at those who have chosen to take action, it was rarely those closest to me. It seemed those who heard the story were more passionate to help than those that actually know me well. If you look at who comments on this blog, you will find lots of amazing people, but you will rarely find friends or family that have met me in person. I don’t have a good explanation for that, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me.

So as one amazing young lady tries to burrow her way deeper and deeper into my life, I find myself doubting. Could anybody really be up for what God may have in store for my life? I find myself scared to do anything that might me put me in a position to hesitate when God calls. Where? I don’t know. I find myself scared to let people into my story, to trust them with my vision. I don’t want to compromise, but in the end it is God’s vision and not mine that matters anyway. I know it is only in community that we really grow. Our stories are meant to be lived together, but….

Now, what is community and how do we find it? Well, that is a post for another day.

To read more about Trust, check out the blog carnival at One Word at a Time.

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