More Than Fine…

On Writing

// February 12th, 2010 // 9313 Comments »http://www.chrissulli.com/on-writing/On+Writing2010-02-12+15%3A53%3A10chrissulli // Uncategorized

Writing… lost without it, yet so difficult. Is practice the answer? Is fear the problem? Words and thoughts trapped inside you, screaming to get out, but unwilling to leave your mind and obediently enter your computer or paper. But how lost we feel when we don’t write. How tragic the unconsidered and unexamined life.

Something about writing is therapeutic, in an I feel better when it is over, but that was completely miserable kind of way. Maybe it is because writing forces us to tame thoughts and ideas that we would prefer to ignore. It forces us to process thoughts that are inconvenient or difficult. Something about seeing words challenges us to question the validity of the thoughts that seemed so logical in our minds and to think more clearly about the conclusions and ramifications. The illogical often seems illogical in the obscurity of our minds.Writing moves words from the dark into the light. Half baked sentiments and ideas reach full maturity or die a quick death when tested in the light. I’m convinced an idea can only grow so far in our heads before it needs to be replanted elsewhere if it is to truly grow mature and bear fruit.

And thus the struggle continues… between the escapable calling and the difficulty of action.

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Silence

// January 14th, 2010 // 92911 Comments »http://www.chrissulli.com/silence/Silence2010-01-14+05%3A06%3A35chrissulli // Uncategorized

My whole life there has always been a logical next step. As a high school senior, Ivy League football was a logical next step, an opportunity to get a great education and keep playing football. As a college senior, investment banking was a logical next step, an opportunity to get paid a lot of money and learn a lot, and it was a tremendous stepping stone to just about anything I could possibly want to do next.

Then I deviated from the path, but that step too was clear to me. I knew I didn’t want to be doing what I was doing and I had a pretty clear vision for what I would like to do. Then one day that exact thing I had envisioned just fell in my lap. Jackpot.

But in deviating from the path I was on, life got more complicated. I added a lot of variables and a lot more choices. The path was simple. After investment banking comes private equity and business school. That takes care of the next 4 or 5 years, at least from a big picture perspective, and I would have just needed to figure out the details.

For the last 25 years of my life, the decisions were always clear. They were planned and made in well in advance. But now things are pretty murky. I could just about anything and there in lies the problem. I don’t have one driving talent or passion. I’m a little too well rounded.

And where I heard the call and had a clear vision before my last decision, now I hear only silence. My heart isn’t crying out or maybe it has just been drowned out by small dreams and my self-imposed limitations on what is possible.

And I can’t help but feel that what I should be doing is drawing closer to God rather than worrying about a job. Seeking him instead of seeking his advice for my next move. But the realities and insecurities of life squeeze tightly and even amidst all the free time and questions, I feel strangely distant when I should be drawing close.

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Readjusting

// December 23rd, 2009 // 9282 Comments »http://www.chrissulli.com/readjusting/Readjusting2009-12-23+22%3A14%3A34chrissulli // Uncategorized

So far things haven’t been too weird. I definitely felt a little antisocial when I first got back but other than than that I haven’t noticed anything too out of the ordinary. I’m sure I have changed, but it doesn’t seem to be making it that hard to readjust. I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised since I didn’t feel like it was too big an adjustment when I got to the Dominican. It was what it was and I kept on living life, just in a different country and by slightly different rules.

I think a lot of people expect me to have a completely different perspective on American culture and be overwhelmed by our materialism, especially around the Christmas season, but that hasn’t been the case. As Americans we get some things right and some things wrong, just like everybody else. I didn’t go to the Dominican with an idealized perspective on American culture and any changes I came back with are more nuances and deeper insights rather than any startling revelations.

I did, however, learn a lot about Dominican culture but I’ll get into that later.

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Food For My Soul

// November 26th, 2009 // 921No Comments »http://www.chrissulli.com/food-for-my-soul/Food+For+My+Soul2009-11-26+13%3A00%3A15chrissulli // Uncategorized

This past week was a huge blessing. I’m not sure exactly how to describe what I was doing. Mission trip? Retreat? Men’s conference? Baseball evangelism? School of encouragement and leadership? All of the above and more is the right answer. Because it was so many different things, I’m sure the Holy Spirit worked very differently in each of us and we all left with different favorite parts.

For me it was amazing to be around a group of Godly men, to observe them, be encouraged by them, talk about life and God with them, shares struggles and triumphs with them, and just joke and be guys with them. It was food for my soul that I have needed for a long time and even more so after 4 months in the Dominican without real fellowship. A lot of it was like being back in the locker room – the jokes, the ribbing the sarcasm. We had a lot of fun, but if you stopped and listened to the conversations, there was little talk about baseball despite the fact we were giving baseball clinics every morning. The conversations centered around God, family, life, struggles, passions and purpose. Help and prayer were requested. Encouragement, advice and prayer were offered. There was little posturing. There was a transparency and openness that isn’t common to groups of men. People got saved. Lives were changed. Friendships started. Bonds were forged.

More than anything this week I learned how essential it is to have Godly men speaking into your life, encouraging you and holding you accountable. Just doing life together. That is something I’ve always known academically, but you wouldn’t know from my actions I held that information to be true. So often in life I’ve tried to be my own best example and fallen flat on my face. So often I’ve walked the road of life all alone and ended up right right back where I started, falling into the same mistakes and temptations. Fellowship and accountability have fallen by the wayside, victims of my pride.

As we all went home Saturday, the temptation was to go back to business as usual, to go back to being proud and afraid. But most of that pride and fear rests on one faulty assumption: that you are the only struggling, that you are the only one that needs help. So each of us needs to “show some leadership” and be the first to admit our faults and ask for help and then watch as others come forward, empowered by your transparency.

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Learning to Love and Be Loved

// November 25th, 2009 // 9174 Comments »http://www.chrissulli.com/learning-to-love-and-be-loved/Learning+to+Love+and+Be+Loved2009-11-25+22%3A09%3A23chrissulli // Uncategorized

Sometimes we see things we don’t understand. Sometimes the way we have always reacted to something suddenly seems wrong. Sometimes we grow, change and come to know God more, and that is a good thing.

Last week I visited an orphanage for children with disabilities. As I walked in, I asked God to open my heart to the kids there. I think most of our natural reaction (I know mine has always been) in those kinds of situations is to feel blessed. That day something just felt wrong about feeling humbled and blessed and in the back of my mind saying “I’m glad that isn’t me.” Because on some level, that is what we are really saying isn’t it? I’m not saying there is something wrong with being humbled and appreciating all the blessings God has given us, but I think if it stops there, we have a serious problem.

In order to love these kids, I couldn’t make myself feel better than them. I’m not better. I’m just different. Those kids are just how God made them and so are you. He just made us to serve him differently on this Earth, but in the end, for the same purpose, to know him. Something just felt right about loving these kids and wrong about feeling sorry for them.

Do I understand why God made those kids that way? Nope, but there are lots of things I don’t understand. As I talked with God and hung out with the kids, He told me He loved them and if He loved them, I shouldn’t feel sorry for them but love them as He loves them.

In the end, I think God was telling me He loves me. Just the way I am he loves me. With all my faults and failures he loves me. Not because of anything I have done. Not because of any talents or abilities I have. He gave me all of those anyway. He loves me just as He loves those kids because he formed us for his purposes and knew us before we were born.

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